Dear Oscar,
Greetings, old friend, you know I love ya and all, but we gotta talk about your Academy Awards show.
For many years now, it's been longer than a Honey Boo Boo marathon and almost as annoying.
That's why I want you to meet a new friend of mine, Emmy.
Emmy showed up on TV this week and golly was she fun! Do you want to know why? Because she ran for precisely three hours and then she wrapped it up the moment the clock struck eleven, bada bing, bada boom.
How did she do it? Emmy was clever: she didn't have any Lawrence Welk-ish song-and-dance numbers; she didn't allow her award winners to blather on in their acceptance speeches (cue the music, it's over Johnny, I don't care if you don't get a chance to thank the pre-school teacher's aide who inspired you to go into show biz): and she sure as hell didn't take the show and the actor's "craft" so seriously (for instance, she made fun of dead people when Josh Groban sang a mushy tune to the "late" host, Jimmy Kimmel and had Jim Parsons, one of the geeks on the Big Bang Theory, lavishly hero-worship the Emmy accountants).
Most important of all, Emmy skipped the awards to technical people who non-industry folks (i.e., the whole world) don't care about or want featured during valuable TV time. Yes, of course, the head of wardrobe is crucial to MAD MEN, but who wants to see her struggle to the stage all the way from row 75 to hear her thank her first Singer sewing machine?
Emmy stuck with the go-to people we all read about in PEOPLE. That's who we nobodies want to see, not the president of the Academy of Arts and Excess. Nothing makes us feel better about getting up for a mundane job at Amalgamated Plastic on Monday morning than nitpicking Glenn Close's gown, hair and makeup on Sunday night.
Emmy was spirited, funny and timely and I actually enjoyed watching her. But Oscar, try as I might, I cannot say the same of you. You routinely drag on until well after midnight, when you know darn well that we all have to arise early for work the next day.
So do me a favor, will ya? Watch Emmy on demand and take notes. You have five months to trim down, spruce up and shake some life into your bones.
I know everyone considers Golden Globes as da bomb, but I think you can learn a trick or two by studying Emmy.
This year, she sparkled, so even though you just met her and this is crazy, here's her number, so call her, maybe?
Luv, Your Faithful-but-Frustrated Fan, DiDi Bones