The Emperor Has No Theater...
Tuesday, May 19, 2015 at 06:14PM
Diane Bones

Here’s some exciting Philadelphia news: Folks, we’re not adding another boring pizza parlor to the Main Street in my neighborhood, we're welcoming a "Pizza Theater.”

As Saturday Night Live's Church Lady used to say, “Isn’t that SPECIAL?”

“Pizza Theater” is not a compelling drama featuring dough and sauce, it’s a "new" concept from Domino's Pizza. Instead of asking our civic association if it could open a ho-hum Domino's, the marketing folks at the national chain billed it as a Pizza Theater, a magical destination where customers can watch the 16-year-old Domino's employee make their order in an open kitchen "through every step of the process.” Whoopee, if there is one joy that's missing in life, it’s keeping an eagle eye on the dude who is sprinkling cheese on your pie. Now THAT’S entertainment! See, at first I was skeptical of adding another pizza shop to the 13 that already exist, but now that I know it's a The-A-ter, I'm all for it. Domino's, you clever devils, I can't wait to see your first act - what shall we call it: Long Day's Journey into Mozzarella?

They are as full of bulldinky as the Wendy's representatives who wanted to erect one of their pig-tailed restaurants in the very spot near my house where developers had knocked down a beautiful Victorian house. At a crowded civic association meeting crammed with local residents protesting the prospect of a litter-producing fast food joint, the Wendy’s bigwigs ignored our fear that the place would become a midnight magnet for barflies; Instead, they concentrated on the fact that Wendy’s late founder, an orphan himself, generously contributed to orphanages around the world. Be that as it may - to use one of my father’s favorite phrases - while my neighbors and I admired the company's philanthropic legacy, we weren't going to allow a franchised burger joint to bully its way into our residential area with tales of tax-deductible donations. 

The latest corporate-speak to set me off is Comcast, whom The American Customer Satisfaction Index rated in the bottom of its list. The company has vowed to improve its abysmal image because “it’s the right thing to do.” Yeah, and it would have also been the right thing to do years ago, before the villagers started lighting torches and heading to cable competitors. Comcast says it will now credit 20 bucks to customers for a missed technician appointment and provide employees with hospitality training “to emphasize courteous and professional interactions with customers.” The last time I called Comcast when I couldn’t access On Demand programs, the nimrod I spoke with screamed at me because I didn’t know what type of receptor box I had. Hey, I'm lucky I know what cable service I have and you're the ones who installed the damn box, so YOU look it up. Can't wait to talk to him after those training sessions!

So executives, before you start with the doublespeak, please know that the public is well aware that the emperor is buck naked and loaded with malarkey.

Look for it - coming soon! - at a “theater” near you. 



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