I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Herself a Letter

Dear Melania,

I insist that you stop corresponding with my husband, like, IMMEDIATELY.

This week marked the second time that I’ve caught him opening a letter from you, you Slovenian hussy. (Or, as the nuns in my high school used to say, “you bold, brazen article.”)

        What galls me is that you don’t even have the decency to disguise your communications, with your name boldly printed on the return label but NO RETURN ADDRESS, as if, OF COURSE he knows where to find you, you’re MELANIA.

        I get it, you’re trapped in a loveless, mindless, please-God-sexless separate-bedrooms marriage, so you try to grab some attention from my man just because, at some dark period in his life, his name was on some politically-affiliated list. (FYI, Mel, he’s registered Independent now – I don’t think they even HAVE lists.)

        Funny thing is, even though you're reaching out to MY hubby, you keep talking about YOUR hubby. How gauche! You even brag about him, starting with this gem: “Decisions made by the President of the United States impact countless lives across our nation, and throughout the world.”

You got THAT right, sister.

You also sound a lot like your hubby in your letters, for example “…the Democrats, the mainstream media, and the Left-leaning special interest groups are doing everything they possibly can to discredit him by pursuing their relentless attacks – spreading their fake news and making it appear that he does not have the support of America’s voters.”

Ya THINK?

After thoroughly reviewing your letters, I’ve also noticed that you’re a repeater. You ask for a contribution for your husband’s reelection fund of “$25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or even $5,000” (way to spell it out for us, girl) not once, not twice, but three times. Sheesh, we all get your point already, no need for a trifecta.

The kicker is that I don’t even think you pay for the delivery of your letter, because the stamp on the envelope doesn’t look like the stamps that I buy at the Post Office. Yours have “nonprofit org” on them. Since when are your hubby’s shenanigans considered nonprofit? I know there are rumblings that he once lost money than any other individual in America, but I don’t think that qualifies him as a nonprofit. If it does, there are a few years when I shoulda been getting free postage, believe you me.

        It also annoys me that the heading on your letter doesn’t have a proper date, just a random “Wednesday Morning.” That kind of informal breeziness will lead to the downfall of American civilization. It's as maddening as the notation at the bottom of the first page of your letter. It says “Next page, please.” Do you think my husband is so clueless that he wouldn’t know to turn to the second page of a two-page letter? Just because your spouse needs directions to function at the most basic level, don’t assume that everyone's does.

        So enough already with the written messages to my man, Melania.

        I know he might get some correspondence from Jill or Chasten or Bruce one of these days, but your former-international-model, hair-blowing-in-the-wind persistence still irks ordinary-looking me. It might also be the vertical, come-hither flourish of your signature that makes me suspicious of your true motives.

My advice is that when you get the urge to write to my husband, you drop a line to your husband.  

But keep it short – I heard your guy is not a big reader ... at least that’s what those fake news folks have been saying.