The Emperor Has No Theater...

Here’s some exciting Philadelphia news: Folks, we’re not adding another boring pizza parlor to the Main Street in my neighborhood, we're welcoming a "Pizza Theater.”

As Saturday Night Live's Church Lady used to say, “Isn’t that SPECIAL?”

“Pizza Theater” is not a compelling drama featuring dough and sauce, it’s a "new" concept from Domino's Pizza. Instead of asking our civic association if it could open a ho-hum Domino's, the marketing folks at the national chain billed it as a Pizza Theater, a magical destination where customers can watch the 16-year-old Domino's employee make their order in an open kitchen "through every step of the process.” Whoopee, if there is one joy that's missing in life, it’s keeping an eagle eye on the dude who is sprinkling cheese on your pie. Now THAT’S entertainment! See, at first I was skeptical of adding another pizza shop to the 13 that already exist, but now that I know it's a The-A-ter, I'm all for it. Domino's, you clever devils, I can't wait to see your first act - what shall we call it: Long Day's Journey into Mozzarella?

They are as full of bulldinky as the Wendy's representatives who wanted to erect one of their pig-tailed restaurants in the very spot near my house where developers had knocked down a beautiful Victorian house. At a crowded civic association meeting crammed with local residents protesting the prospect of a litter-producing fast food joint, the Wendy’s bigwigs ignored our fear that the place would become a midnight magnet for barflies; Instead, they concentrated on the fact that Wendy’s late founder, an orphan himself, generously contributed to orphanages around the world. Be that as it may - to use one of my father’s favorite phrases - while my neighbors and I admired the company's philanthropic legacy, we weren't going to allow a franchised burger joint to bully its way into our residential area with tales of tax-deductible donations. 

The latest corporate-speak to set me off is Comcast, whom The American Customer Satisfaction Index rated in the bottom of its list. The company has vowed to improve its abysmal image because “it’s the right thing to do.” Yeah, and it would have also been the right thing to do years ago, before the villagers started lighting torches and heading to cable competitors. Comcast says it will now credit 20 bucks to customers for a missed technician appointment and provide employees with hospitality training “to emphasize courteous and professional interactions with customers.” The last time I called Comcast when I couldn’t access On Demand programs, the nimrod I spoke with screamed at me because I didn’t know what type of receptor box I had. Hey, I'm lucky I know what cable service I have and you're the ones who installed the damn box, so YOU look it up. Can't wait to talk to him after those training sessions!

So executives, before you start with the doublespeak, please know that the public is well aware that the emperor is buck naked and loaded with malarkey.

Look for it - coming soon! - at a “theater” near you. 

Have I Got (Unfreakingbelievable) News for You...

- The at-large maniac and small time thief who shot two state police troopers and killed one of them has been described as a self-styled survivalist, to which I say "bulldinky." He ain't no survivalist, he's a coward who already proved that he couldn't manage to accomplish what most people do every day: Go to work, pay rent, watch unreality shows and live like real grownups instead of bunking with Mommy and Daddy.This idiot's idea of a good time was playing in "recreational military simulations as a Serbian soldier." Bet that hobby looked enticing on his Match.com profile, huh? He couldn't just grow a scraggly beard and dress up in Civil War garb like a typical American reinactor, he had to find an obscure Southeast European conflict to recreate with other misfit lunatics. I guess he had plenty of time to indulge in his misguided playtime because he didn't have to show up for an actual job. You call that surviving? More like teetering on the edge, pal. As with all murderers, I refuse to mention his name and grant him the publicity his warped brain craves. Survivor? Hardly. That label goes to the widow and children of Cpl. Byron Dickson, the trooper who he massacred for no reason. So please, after using dogs, helicopters and a helium-filled balloon to hunt down this demented creep in the dense woods of the Poconos, do not describe him as a survivalist. He is a deranged opportunist with too much time on his bloodied hands.Lock him up and let's see how long the punk "survives" in a maximum-security prison...

- Supreme Leader (North Korea's title, not mine) Kim Jong Un's long disappearance from public view may all boil down to a cyst in his right ankle. Bummer. The world was waiting for a more exotic explanation for his absence, but apparently the story is more like listening to your Aunt Edith painstakingly describe her bunion procedure. Unfortunately, Kim is only 31-years-old, a bit young to start falling apart. A South Korean spy agency has followed AnkleGate closely and attributes his medical condition to Kim's "obesity, smoking and heavy public schedule." Ouch, at this rate, the world's youngest head of state is gonna be feeble by age 40, leaving him scant time to continue the persecution and execution of his people. In that case, smoke 'em if ya got em, Kim!

- My favorite imbecile world leader, Putin, has also made headlines, this time because his government is closing McDonalds restaurants in Russia as "payback for the United States' support of Ukraine." Really, Vladimir (say it twice - it's FUN!), is taking french fries out of the mouths of your comrades the strongest strategy you have? Take your shirt off, hop up on your horse and ride into the sunset, buddy. We've had enough of your macho blatherings. Put that in your special sauce and eat it.

- The Dalai Lama really knows how to slay 'em. At a recent talk at Princeton University, when a student asked him what was the key to happiness, the Dalai Lama replied" Money...or sex." There was silence in the room until the ivy league audience realized that he was just joshing them. Bada boom! He then addressed the main theme of his presentation - developing inner strength and compassion - and the audience listened to the Buddhist leader because he embraced the trick used by wise speakers through the ages: always open with a joke. Now we know that the Dali Lama has a sense of humor and, according to recent headlines, the Pope has a heart. Hey, things are lookin' up, folks! Who knows what's next - Kim and Vladimir doing standup?   

Goodbye, Girl's Best Friend

We had to say goodbye to our beloved Sammy Girl last week.

I have mentioned before how our story began about a dozen years ago, when I begged my hubby if we could take in my niece's dog, Sammy. A dog-lover, he had to put down his Old English Sheepdog, Reggie, just a few years beforehand, so he didn't want to fall in love with another dog and experience the heartbreak again. So Dave said no, and when I persisted, said no again.

Despite his protests, the next thing he knew, Sammy was marching through our door with a look of "who are these people?" on her frazzled face. But Dave relented, two-year-old Sammy settled in and we slid into a routine that would carry her through the next decade-plus: A walk every morning, sleep during the day in my third floor office, hang with me and Dave in the evening and then make her way upstairs to her dog bed, which was nestled right next to our bed, and wait for us to follow suit. Trips to the shore? Hop in the car and get ready for a swim, Sammy. Invited to my sister's house for holidays? Come on, Sammy, let's go celebrate. Drinks at a cafe's sidewalk table? Belly up, girl, it's Happy Hour.

Where we went, Sammy followed.

We had our share of adventures. There was the lady and her dog who yelled at me (the lady, not the dog) for allowing Sammy to run free in the park when I thought there was no one around. When I mouthed off right back at Miss Grouchypants (nobody puts baby in the corner) and she approached us, it became clear that she was a strong women who could take me down in a flash. So, still sparring with her verbally, Sammy and I slowly backed out of the park, swiftly strode home and made sure we avoided the World Wide Wrestling dog owner again.

At the same park, a big red dog viciously attacked. After the owner wrestled the animal off of Sammy, she apologized, saying that the mutt was "a rescue on antidepressants." Sammy and I looked at each other as if to say, "Sister, you better increase the dose FAST because those current meds ain't working."

Beside a few other dog attacks that shook me more than Sammy, we continued to make tracks uneventfully and faithfully every morning - snowstorms, icy temperature in the teens, broiling heat that made us beg for a shaded street - all around our neighborhood. We got to know all of the other "dog people" in the area, not to mention students walking to the grade school on our block, crossing guards and the regulars who waited every weekday at the bus stop. Many of them liked to bend down and give Sammy a pet. Ever the aloof female, she'd accept their affection with an air of nonchalance. 

In the last year, Sammy's arthritis limited our walks to a just a short stroll around the block on good days (sorry, Dr. Oz, no cardiovascular benefits from that) and only to the corner on days when she'd just stop, turn around and head for home, the international dog signal for "Mom, I've had enough."

Despite taking daily arthritis prescription medication (1-800 PetMeds' directions on the bottle: "Do not take with alcohol." Good to know!) Sammy began to limp with every single step she took.

Gradually, she also lost most of her sight and her hearing. With her diminished senses, climbing up or down steps was like flopping into an unknown abyss. 

Although she had been a terrific traveler, car rides made her pant uncontrollably and pace relentlessly in the back seat. I couldn't get her 58-pound body into my car and had to wait until Dave could pick her up and plop her in.

During the summer, Sammy had reached the point where it took her a good ten minutes to awkwardly lay down and she sometimes did so with a wince. Rising up was an even worse ordeal, paws spreading out as her muscle control diminished. She tumbled down the hardwood stairs several times, so we put up a baby gate to prevent her from climbing them alone. When she went upstairs for the night, I'd be at the top of the steps to haul her up the last few feet and Dave would be behind her, ready to catch her if she fell. 

She also started having some "accidents," a trend that was new and unfamiliar territory for her.

On her last night, she became stuck under our bed, flailing helplessly as she dug herself under, deeper and deeper. Her cries awoke me at 2:30 am and I desperately tried to pull her out, but everywhere I touched her, she yelped in pain. When I finally wiggled her out, she was shaking and inconsolable.

Having her put down was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, which is saying something from a vintage gal who has witnessed her share of deaths in the family.

I can't explain why losing her has hit so very hard, but it has.

She was an old dog who was probably in a lot of pain, but to me, she was Sammy Girl, always at my side, by my bed, on my walks and in my heart.

Goodbye, good girl. I hope you are at peace and I can't thank you enough for the privilege of your nonjudgmental, loving and tail-wagging company.

Are You Kidding Me?

Everybody seems so young to me these days.

When my hubby watched the National Hockey League draft, I saw some of the guys who had been chosen in the first round and asked, "How old are those kids?    

Some of them looked like they were about about to become Eagle Scouts and if any one of them challenged me to a wrestling match, I actually think I'd win. They hardly looked like professional athletes, more like second stringers for the high school cheerleading squad. 

But what do I know about youth?

I think people are still babies when they're 25.

The Miss America organization does not agree. According to the official pageant rules, if you want to become Miss America - and who doesn't? - you must be between the ages of 17 and 24. Unfortunately, a lovely young 24-year-old woman who was recently crowned Miss Delaware was dethroned when it became known that she'll turn 25 - oh, the humanity! - before the end of the year, making her ineligible to stroll the runway.

Ouch, that had to hurt, having her rhinestone hopes and dreams dashed at the quarter-century mark. Time to head home and start eating grains and carbohydrates again!

The irony is that so many of the super-dolled-up Miss America contestants look like they are well into their forties. Glazed-on hairspray, pancake foundation and gowns from the Lawrence Welk Show will do that to a gal.

The good news is that even though the almost-Miss Delaware was stripped of her title and ineligible to run for the Miss America crown, the Age Police said she could keep her $9,000 scholarship. Yipee, that'll pay for about one credit, thanks loads, folks. I may be old, but at least I'll be ed-gee-cated!

But you don't have to be old to think everybody looks young. When you're 28, college students seem downright infantile; when you're middle-aged, you can't believe that the IRS agent looks exactly like that kid you used to babysit; and when you're past 50, you think that everyone under 50 positively radiates with a youthful glow. I gaze at old photos of my younger, leaner self and want to scream, "If you thought you were chunky then, sister, have I got a big fat surprise for you..."

Last week, a friend left a PEOPLE magazine in my door. The publication had two young "stars" on the cover, over which my friend had scrawled "Who ARE these people?" So not only do all the celebrities seem inexplicably young, we are approaching the age when we don't even recognize their apparent fame. 

Oh, well, I can't help it if athletes, movie stars and the guy who pumped my gas last week (he looked like a high school sophomore but then I heard him talking about his three kids) project such a youthful appearance.

I just wish to God they'd all stop helping me across the street and calling me, "Ma'am."  

SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE!

Why don't they just flog her on the town square?

Ellen Degeneres, that is.

Parents at a suburban Philadelphia Catholic elementary school freaked out because Ellen DeGeneres' photo appeared on an invitation for an Oscar-themed graduation dance at their kids' school.

Because Ellen hosted the Academy Awards this year, it seemed like a natural fit for the invite, but some parents with waaaaaay too much time on their hands saw red when they noticed the celeb's mug. To assuage them, the school principal emailed all of the parents to apologize for featuring someone who "lives her life outside the teachings of the Catholic Church." She also asked for a return of the invitations so they could be "destroyed." Yeah, burn 'em at the stake for corrupting those poor kids! One look at Ellen's pantsuit and they'll start marathon-watching WILL AND GRACE reruns.  

My uneducated guess is that the kerfuffle was caused by just a few crabapples who feel that America is becoming a bit too "accepting" for its own good. They want to send a message to everyone - including any kids in the school who are gay or have a gay family member - that even a reference to a homosexual is repugnant, the finest in Fear and Loathing, circa 2014.     

After all, the Pope himself has already sent the message to ease up on the holier-than-thou bandwagon. If he professes "Who am I to judge?" in regard to gay people, then maybe the Catholic school parents should take note. We're not talking about sponsoring a Johnny Weir fan club, for God's sake.

So calm down, everyone. Remember the words my first grade nun taught me: "God is love." She didn't say "God is hate or fear or judgement or mean-spiritedness."

Yes, it makes sense to protect your children, so don't idolize athletes who murder or business executives who swindle or community leaders who deceive or clergy who molest.

However, if a well-respected and non-incarcerated celebrity who also is gay appears on a school invitation, don't shine a spotlight on your deep prejudices.

Instead of public flagellation, keep your big trap shut and show your child that, like all people of deep faith, you love and respect others, even the ones who - in your opinion - aren't nearly as perfect as you are.