HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU...

YA THINK? A federal judge ordered a psychiatric exam for the JetBlue pilot who, in the middle of a flight, abandoned the cockpit and ran down the aisle screaming about terrorists and religion. Do you mean to tell me that they didn't order a psych workup for him immediately after the aircraft landed? And instead they just locked up the guy and waited a week to check if he was legally insane when he melted down and had to be wrestled to the floor thousands of feet in the air with a planeload of terrified passengers? Those of us who are neither mental health experts nor lawyers could have figured that one out. Good luck, Captain, with that type of expert response to your breakdown, you are gonna need it.

NEIGH NEIGH. A high diving-horse act that was booked to return to the Steel Pier in Atlantic City this summer as part of the beach resort's overhaul has been cancelled. Horses around the world clapped their hooves in robust approval. Making a beautiful animal climb high in the air and jump down into a miniscule container of water seems barbarian for both horse and rider, although at least the latter has a choice in the matter. Surely the powers that be can create another form of innovative entertainment for the masses. Hey, how about opening another casino so retirees, high school kids with fake IDs and minimum wage earners can blow all of their savings in a single afternoon? Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket.

UGLY HOMES WANTED. That's the headline from a recent newspaper ad. They were looking for houses for a makeover TV show and wanted to feature residences with ugly kitchens, bathrooms, siding and windows. Well, Mr. Producers, come with me on my morning walk - youse could have the pick of the litter (literally) in my Philly neighborhood, with enough "unique" homes to keep your program going for a good year or so. Hey, I might even let you take a peek at my basement in the event you're considering a new handyman show, "Tales from a Really Scary-Looking Cellar." Hollywood, here we come!

HOWDY, STRANGER! In a travel article about Amsterdam, the author noted that the natives "say hello to random strangers...so overt friendliness is not only acceptable, it's encouraged." That's fine advice to keep in mind when you're in the Netherlands, but don't try that type of Tomfoolery when you're in the Big City, fellah. Eyes straight ahead and don't even glance at someone unless they're your grandmother (and only then with a strong persona of urban reservation).

SHADES OF GRAY. Yes, I have been merciless, picking on former Governor and current inmate Rod Blagojevich, but this latest news item really got to me: Rod, who used to have his hair colored by his barber, will have to go gray because dyes are banned in prison. (Officials put the nix on hair coloring out of fear that prisoners would try to alter their appearance during an escape.) Bad enough that he'll have to age ungracefully in the clink, let alone alerting the whole world about his upcoming silver transformation. However, the news will help keep many of us on the straight and narrow because who knows what else they prohibit in jail: makeup, nail scissors, tweezers, hair gel? It would be a real crime if we were incarcerated and our fellow humans had to view us without some of those vital accouterments...