REQUIEM FOR A PRINTER

DENIAL: OK, all I have to do is push "print" and I can finally wrap up this nightmare of a writing project - it was a doozy. But why don't I hear the whirl of the document being printed? What the #!*! is wrong with this thing - it can't possibly be broken, I just printed something two minutes ago. A machine cannot work fine one second and magically break down the next. Can it? Did some mysteriously destructive molecule invade the plastic edges of the device while I sat, unsuspecting, at my desk? Maybe if I just turn off the printer and then switch it on again it will kick back up - that seems to work just dandy with my Yugo. Or better yet, I'll shut-off the electricity to the whole house - yeah, that should shock this darn printer back into action, although those steaks in the refrig might take a beating...   

ANGER: Still no luck. I just know some evil genius specifically programs these printers to go on the fritz knowing that I can't possibly work without one and will be forced to replace it, even though this month's MasterCard has a mammoth vet bill for overpriced dog meds, not to mention a brunch or three. And this piece-of-crap machine is only about a year old, which I can absolutely prove once I find the receipt, which I can't because I'm too busy shutting my office windows so I can crazy curse without alarming the neighbors.     

BARGAINING: Ok, girl, compose yourself and Google some info about how to fix a printer. See, you are not alone, there are 2754 postings about easy repairs for broken printers, albeit most of them written in a language that only Ph.D.s in information technology could possibly comprehend. Do I know anything about a system restore, browsers or serial numbers? I do not. So I call my niece, who is besties with a computer guy. After describing my printer dilemma to him, he finally offers some advice in plain English: "Get a shotgun." I'm not sure if he means for me or the printer, but either way, it doesn't look good.  

DEPRESSION: My life sucks and so does this freakin' machine. I may as well give up my job and become a full-fledged recluse because nothing technological ever runs smoothly for poor me.  

ACCEPTANCE: Hello, Giant Office Supply store, I'm here to purchase a new printer and would like to speak with your most knowledgeable expert. Oh, um, hi Brody. Wow, you sure look youthful - how's your sophomore year in high school going? I'm in the market for a reliable printer that's reasonably priced. Oh, you have one on sale for only $49.99? That's certainly affordable. But the printer cartridges are how much? For black and color, $127.50? Looks like the pup won't be getting her cholesterol medication this month. Oh well, what can I do? Time to take this new model home and power her up. But oh dear sweet Lord, is that my laptop screen blinking erratically? Nooooooooooooo! Honestly, that damned thing is practically brand new and it was working PERFECTLY when I left an hour ago ...