Have I Got (Unfreakingbelievable) News for You...

- The at-large maniac and small time thief who shot two state police troopers and killed one of them has been described as a self-styled survivalist, to which I say "bulldinky." He ain't no survivalist, he's a coward who already proved that he couldn't manage to accomplish what most people do every day: Go to work, pay rent, watch unreality shows and live like real grownups instead of bunking with Mommy and Daddy.This idiot's idea of a good time was playing in "recreational military simulations as a Serbian soldier." Bet that hobby looked enticing on his Match.com profile, huh? He couldn't just grow a scraggly beard and dress up in Civil War garb like a typical American reinactor, he had to find an obscure Southeast European conflict to recreate with other misfit lunatics. I guess he had plenty of time to indulge in his misguided playtime because he didn't have to show up for an actual job. You call that surviving? More like teetering on the edge, pal. As with all murderers, I refuse to mention his name and grant him the publicity his warped brain craves. Survivor? Hardly. That label goes to the widow and children of Cpl. Byron Dickson, the trooper who he massacred for no reason. So please, after using dogs, helicopters and a helium-filled balloon to hunt down this demented creep in the dense woods of the Poconos, do not describe him as a survivalist. He is a deranged opportunist with too much time on his bloodied hands.Lock him up and let's see how long the punk "survives" in a maximum-security prison...

- Supreme Leader (North Korea's title, not mine) Kim Jong Un's long disappearance from public view may all boil down to a cyst in his right ankle. Bummer. The world was waiting for a more exotic explanation for his absence, but apparently the story is more like listening to your Aunt Edith painstakingly describe her bunion procedure. Unfortunately, Kim is only 31-years-old, a bit young to start falling apart. A South Korean spy agency has followed AnkleGate closely and attributes his medical condition to Kim's "obesity, smoking and heavy public schedule." Ouch, at this rate, the world's youngest head of state is gonna be feeble by age 40, leaving him scant time to continue the persecution and execution of his people. In that case, smoke 'em if ya got em, Kim!

- My favorite imbecile world leader, Putin, has also made headlines, this time because his government is closing McDonalds restaurants in Russia as "payback for the United States' support of Ukraine." Really, Vladimir (say it twice - it's FUN!), is taking french fries out of the mouths of your comrades the strongest strategy you have? Take your shirt off, hop up on your horse and ride into the sunset, buddy. We've had enough of your macho blatherings. Put that in your special sauce and eat it.

- The Dalai Lama really knows how to slay 'em. At a recent talk at Princeton University, when a student asked him what was the key to happiness, the Dalai Lama replied" Money...or sex." There was silence in the room until the ivy league audience realized that he was just joshing them. Bada boom! He then addressed the main theme of his presentation - developing inner strength and compassion - and the audience listened to the Buddhist leader because he embraced the trick used by wise speakers through the ages: always open with a joke. Now we know that the Dali Lama has a sense of humor and, according to recent headlines, the Pope has a heart. Hey, things are lookin' up, folks! Who knows what's next - Kim and Vladimir doing standup?