PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE (OR GUMS) AND SMOKE IT...

Tobacco is really haunting me lately.

It's all because of cigarette butts, those tiny cylindrical spheres, just an inch or so long, that have been piling up in front of my house. They are nature's way of saying, "Di,you think the litter around here is bad, wait til you get a load of these little suckers!" For some reason, everyone who lives near me is smoking more - and more and more and more - and/or ashtrays are no longer available in the United States of America.

One day I swept-up every last butt on my sidewalk and counted 90 of 'em. Folks, I'm a chocolate lover, so I understand how tough it is to "just say no" but 90 butts is an awful lotta tabbaccy. You want an environment to look like Skid Row in a flash? Throw more than four packs worth of butts into a small area and PRESTO! you got it, pal.

So because I'm more steamed than usual at ciggies what does the universe send me? An email from Philly Thrilllist about not just any old cigarette, but an amazing new Swedish smokeless tobacco product (they call is "snus" in the Land of the Midnight Sun) that's "been pleasing European enthusiasts since 1850" and is "tucked into the upper lip, providing a richly flavored tingle that goes anywhere you do, and delivers discreet, convenient tobacco satisfaction without the need to spit."

That's all terrific news, until you notice the caveat that comes with this amazing stuff which, apparently, they HAVE TO include in their jazzy public relations communication:"WARNING:This product can cause gum disease and tooth loss."

Damn, why did they have to spoil it? The advertising geniuses made it sound so enticing with the alluring words: "Infused with bergamot oil for a better, more unique taste than its peers, the 22-tobacco blend's available in eight different forms and flavors - from pre-portioned to loose, from the classic blend to Nordic Mint - because even marauding Vikings have concerns about bad breath." 

Honey, if you're still chewing tobacco in 2012, I predict that bad breath is the very least of your concerns.

And speaking of 2012, doesn't a snuff email blast seem so very 20th century? What's next, an ad campaign for moonshine and hog skinning?

Swedish snus? I'll stick with Swedish Fish.

The Swedes are doing what American politicians like to call "putting lipstick on a pig."

Yup, you can gussy her up all and adorn her with purty descriptions, but a stinker is still a stinker and dip is still dip. (Is that where the term "dipsh_ _" originated?) And those who chew it, stash it in their gums or use it to spice up their bubble gum will still end up as toothless as a hillbilly centenarian.

So forgive me, but I'm just fuming at tobacco these days. Somebody, quick, get me a Double Crunch Reese's Cup to calm my nerves...