WRITING OFF WHATSHISNAME

Step away from the pen!

That’s what I was screaming to the puppets who clustered around his royal majesty, Donald J. Trump.

The Prez had just signed the Coronavirus stimulus bill and was jubilantly handing out pens as souvenirs to his adoring onlookers.

First of all, why are the Washington insiders crowding together when the national mantra is “STAY SIX *%!* FEET APART.”

And second, why would they accept a pen that others had touched without wiping it off first?

And thirdly – of yeah, these days, practically BEG for a third comment – this isn’t Coney Island, where you bring home a stuffed bear or a T-shirt to commemorate your super-fun outing. COVID-19 is a damn pandemic, so enough with the tchotchke keepsakes. Step up and deal with the changes or step down.

Believe me, I know it’s not easy. I have to convince myself to buck up. I have a cartoon of Rosie the Nurse saying "We can do it" and another of Rosie the Riveter saying “We can slow it” for inspiration. And the truth is, I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about compared to a whole lot of people in the world, so no excuses, sister.

Except I keep torturing myself by watching daily episodes of “How the Imbecile Turns.” At press briefings designed to update everyone about the virus, Trump tries to humiliate reporters who ask questions, such as “What would you say to Americans who are frightened by this pandemic?” He calls inquiries like that “nasty” and “negative” and instructs the media to be “nice” and “a little more positive.” You wanna see nasty and negative, Donald? Read some of your pitiful tweets, with vicious name-calling that only a middle-school mean girl could appreciate. 

Recently, Trump rattled on and on about how Internet companies are faring in the midst of this crisis and here’s what he said, verbatim: “They’re having tremendous problems, other countries are having problems, other continents are having problems, but with business at a level that nobody’s seen it before, on the Internet, it’s holding up incredibly well and they expect that to continue no matter what happened, and no matter how much more it gains, which if it can gain more than it already is, I don’t know, cause they’re setting records.”

I think back to 8^th grade when the nuns taught us in painstaking detail how to properly diagram a sentence – they’d have a hellava time deciphering that gem.  

For now, I’m vowing to listen to the Presidential speeches only sparingly. And then I’m going to continue cheering myself on. My fellow Boomers and I survived the AIDS crisis, 9/11, and those Real Housewives series, so we can handle the Corona virus.

All you have to do is wash your hands, maintain a safe distance, and for the love of God, keep your freakin’ pen to yourself.