I'LL GIVE YA SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT...

Last week, a few photos in the daily newspaper really irked me.

One was of Jerry Sandusky, who has since been convicted of child molestation.

The other was of Father James J. Brennan, who was - wow, what a coinkydink - also accused of child molestation (attempted rape of a 14-year-old boy), but the jury deadlocked on his charge.

The photos of both men, published the day before the juries decided their fates, showed them smiling as if they were on their way to the ice cream store.

A photo of Sandusky with a half-witted/creepy/unnerving grin is nothing new. To me, he always seems to be desperately trying to emit an aura of a regular, khaki-wearing fella who is just chillin' and maybe heading over to gym to watch some game tapes.Whenever I spotted a photo of his Separated-From-Goofy-at-Birth mug as he casually strolled to the courtroom, I wanted to shake his big square head and say, "For God's sake, pervert, the jig is finally up and they're shining a spotlight on your evil soul, so wipe that smile off your face NOW before I smack it off."

But just above Sandusky's picture in the paper that very same day was a photograph of Father Brennan enjoying a hearty, knee-slapper of a guffaw with one of his lawyers as they ambled over to their courthouse.

Let's face it, this clergyman hardly has good judgement, but must he be reminded of why he is at the criminal justice center ...and it ain't exactly unpaid parking tickets? Perhaps this is neither the time nor the place to enjoy a classic "A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar..." joke with his pal. And, maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy, but I believe that if you happen to notice a throng of photographers huddling nearby as you head to your child rape charge, maybe it's best if you didn't publicly bust a gut cackling like you're at Friday Happy Hour.

Those two photos steamed me and then, of course just to really taunt me, the next day, the newspaper carried a grinning close-up of the maniac in Norway who shot 77 people as he sat through his trial. If you didn't know who is was, you'd think the effervescent smile was that of a young man who had just been named next season's Bachelor. Revolting.

But things aren't all bad.

The next day the same paper ran a photo of Phillies manager Charlie Manuel and umpire Bob Davidson, and neither one of them was smiling.

In fact, they looked like two aging boars on the prairie, about to tear into each other to keep from starving to death.

Those guys have horse sense and know when to keep their game face on.

Maybe the morons who are on trial could learn a lesson or two from these good old boys: NEVER smile, especially when the cameras are flashing, the whole world is watching and you're guilty as all hell.

CAMP IT UP

Please, Lord, tell me this is some MAD MAGAZINE satire plunked into a legit newspaper just to see if we're paying attention.

But no, pray as I might, it's for real: Courage, a Catholic group that promotes celibacy among "people with same-sex attraction" held its 13th annual summer sports camp at St. Charles Borromeo Seminary on the outskirts of Philadelphia.

Who is invited to this camp for grownups?

Men who have a hankering for other men.

The goal of the camp is to toughen up those wussies who like men and, after a week of dribbling balls and huddling in scrimmages, hope that they'll "get religion" and start dating women. 

How do you like that logic?

The seminary, you may recall, was mentioned in court recently when a priest was on trial for allowing other priests to molest youngsters. At least one priest who was called to the stand by the prosecution admitted that there was indeed hanky-panky going on among residents of that very same seminary. What a coinkydink that it is the setting for the Courage camp. It's like holding a marriage counseling session in the Playboy Mansion - inappropriate, senseless and downright moronic.

It's mind blowing that the Courage folks think that a little field work will inspire a man to, as they say on their web page,"move beyond the confines of the homosexual identity." Yeah, throw that pretty boy in a pair of sweats and get him to get his back field in motion, that'll learn him! Before ya know it, he'll be bettin' on the Super Bowl, going on another hunting weekend or playing cards with the boys again.

Why put all this energy into changing someone? Dost thou protest too much? Are the Courage leaders (who, frankly, seem rather more fiendish than courageous) trying to push down a secret crush on Ricky Martin? Do they really believe that shooting 100 free throws will drum that desire out of their brain?

If they don't like men falling in love with men, then simply don't fall in love with another man and MYOB.

Even if a guy knows the name of every quarterback in the NFL,that doesn't automatically mean he is straight. And if he is gay, summer camp, winter camp, sports camp, manly-man camp or dude-you're-gonna-be-straight-if-we-have-to-beat-the-gay-outta-you camp.

Living as your true self, even if some people despise and ostracize you for it, now that takes courage.

ONLY IN PHILLY...

I love Philadelphia and would rather complain here than almost any place else in the world...

But occasionally, even a hometown cheerleader like myself is amazed at some of the goings on in the City of Brotherly Love:

* A one-year-old baby survived a fall from the third floor window of a residence in a Philly neighborhood. How was this child so lucky? The baby fell smack dab into a big old pile of trash, which prevented more serious injury. The next time you're strolling by a three-story building, look up and see just how far that is. Then try to imagine just how much trash you'd need to cushion a plunge from that distance. (And while you're at, try to imagine who was watching that one-year-old when it tumbled out the window...) Who says litter is a nasty plague? Here's a new motto: Let your garbage pile-up, save a life!

* North Philadelphia community activists were miffed because SEPTA, the city's transportation system, was going to put "C.B.Moore Ave." on signs for a bus route instead of "Cecil B. Moore Ave." Cecil B. Moore was a well-known lawyer and civil rights activist in the 1960s who had a major street in North Philadelphia named in his honor. Some people thought it was disrespectful to have a shortened version of his name on a bus. Perhaps I am an insensitive brute, but in a city where the F-word is loudly heard as a frequent verb, adverb and adjective; houses are literally falling down; kids can't get an education; and people are murdering one another on a daily basis, I hardly think that a bus abbreviation is THE most disrespectful occurrence of the day.

* After a rash of bank robberies and a murder were committed by men dressed as Muslim women, one disgusted local Muslim cleric questioned: "Whatever happened to the mask?" in reference to the ski mask that any proud criminal would wear back in the good old days. I don't know, sir, some lowlifes just ain't got no respect for tradition...

* OK, this one is from Ocean City, NJ, a full 90 minutes from Philly, but it involves a true Philadelphia numskull. When this guy lost his cell phone on the beach at night, he had the bright idea to drive his car on the boardwalk so that he could use the vehicle's headlights to help him locate his needle in a sandy haystack. Did I mention he was drunk? Surprise, surprise! Unfortunately, he lost control of his car while exiting the boardwalk, damaging a railing, part of the decking and his reputation as a self-respecting citizen. Not sure if he ever found his phone, which would have come in very handy when they allowed him one call after throwing his sorry butt in the pokey.

WE'LL HAVE NUN OF THAT, MISTER...

Bold, Brazen Articles.

That's what nuns used to call kids when they misbehaved.

But that phrase could apply to Catholic Church leaders who reprimanded the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, the largest umbrella group of nuns in America, for taking positions that "undermine church teachings on the priesthood and homosexuality, while promoting certain radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith."

The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that "Conservative Catholics have long complained that the majority of sisters in the United States have grown too liberal..."

Yeah, because if there is one quality automatically associated with nuns, it's liberalism.

And exactly who are these super conservative Catholics who think that nuns have gotten too radical? As a lifelong Catholic (if not a very good one), I'm fairly certain that, like Rick Santorum, Catholicism doesn't need to become more conservative. It's like the time my sister and I drove through a Kentucky Fried Chicken takeout window and the KFC employee asked us if we wanted our chicken EXTRA crispy. "Dang," we wanted to say to the lady, "Have you seen this chicken? Just how much crisper can it get?" Some things just don't need to become any crisper - or more conservative. I long to tell the conservatives and the Vatican to leave the damn nuns alone, for God's sake.

Of course, like many Catholic school alums, I have mixed feelings about nuns. True, they did occasionally beat their students, but then again, back in the day, they'd put a 24-year-old nun in front of a classroom packed with 80 third graders and expect her to maintain order.

But I also remember many kind sisters and one of the first points I learned from a nun was this simple gem: "God is love."

Today's nuns are out of the classroom and working in the trenches. I volunteer at an AIDS hospice/residence that was founded by nuns and is still staffed by a nun (or two). While the ranks of nuns are dwindling, those that are left seem to be working with the poor, the disadvantaged, the ill, the forgotten and the homeless in America and abroad. If you want an example of a nun who is a modern day saint, just Google Sister Mary Scullion from Philadelphia.

Perhaps some of today's nuns' "liberal" views come from the fact that they are in the front lines of humanity, ministering to actual people, not pontificating from an office decorated with priceless antiques and artwork.

Need I mention that the Church is awash in a priest pedophile scandal that makes even the most devout Catholic cringe in disgust and shame?

Of course, that is what makes the nun scolding so maddening. Is the Church trying to deflect attention from their wayward sons by berating their hard-working daughters for having an opinion? Haven't they been treated like second-class handmaidens of the Church for long enough?

Maybe the Church higher-ups should stop acting like Bold Brazen Articles.

If I recall correctly, the Sisters definitely don't take too kindly to that kind of behavior.

KILLER LOGIC

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Why do we give mass murderers an international platform and celebrity status?

The monster who killed 77 people in Norway is now on trial and boy oh boy, does he have a starring role in this televised mayhem. Seated in a little dais in the courtroom, this creep is allowed to provide minute details of the bloodbath, including how he perfected his sharpshooter skills by playing violent video games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare while living in his mommy's house and taking steroids to build the physical strength needed to slaughter a large number of human beings.

Despite these confessions, he claims no guilt, swearing that he massacred the masses to keep his country from "Islamic colonization." Since he has already pled guilty, the point of the trial is to determine if he is criminally insane. I thought it would be terrific to save the Norwegians a ton of money and angst by sending them a unanimous global message: YES, HE IS DEFINITELY WACKADO - LOCK THAT SUCKER UP IMMEDIATELY SO WE DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIS BLATHER ANYMORE.

Then last week in Norway, his countrymen did it for themselves. But instead of just ranting about the defendant's illogical beliefs, the Norwegians decided to fight fire with unity, peace and power: Despite a heavy rain, they simultaneously gathered in public squares across the country to sing "Children of the Rainbow," a version of a song by folk singer Pete Seegar. The deranged right-wing gunman claims that this very song made immigration acceptable in Norway and generally weakened the moral fiber of the entire nation. (He must have watched tapes of Adolf Hitler speeches for inspiration.)

Yes, the trial is maddening because it provides a madman with a pulpit to spout his venom. We have seen this public airing of maniacal views with other killers and we will no doubt witness it again, even though it is positively infuriating.

But this time, the descendents of the Vikings responded admirably and uniquely to such outrage. I like their style and hope it inspires people around the world. They sang together for tolerance, a method of thoughtful and intelligent protest that the miniscule-minded defendant could never possibly grasp.

Although he probably considers himself a Big Man with an international spotlight on him now, soon he will be wasting away in a dank jail cell with no one to hear him. Perhaps then he will finally realize that ambushing innocent people is no video game and terrorizing a nation of peace keepers is certainly no one's call of duty.   

Ha det ("goodbye" in Norwegian) and good riddance.